This article is a set of maimai jokes rewritten from Soviet jokes. Feel free to share and remix them, and you may submit them to the maimai New Year Gala or similar shows, but please credit the author and link to the original article. Thank you
1.
Kohad had a nightmare one night and woke up drenched in cold sweat
His wife asked: What’s wrong? Did you dream maimai shut down?
Kohad gasped: Worse than that. I dreamed we released a new version, and right up to the second it went live, nobody leaked anything at all
His wife: Isn’t that a good thing? It means the secrecy worked
Kohad said in despair: No! It means nobody cares about this game anymore! Even the dataminers can’t be bothered to unpack it!
2.
Someone asked: Does the maimai CN server’s anti-cheat system really exist?
Answer: In principle it exists. But it’s like the sun on the horizon: you look at it and it’s bright, but no matter how far you run toward it, you’ll never reach it. And most importantly, to people wearing sunglasses, it isn’t blinding at all
3.
A CN server player asked: I heard the new version will completely eradicate the cheat-script problem. Is that true
kohad: In principle, yes. After deep research, we’ve decided to adopt the most thorough solution: we will no longer maintain the servers. If you can’t connect to the internet, scripts naturally can’t upload scores either. This is a great victory in the anti-cheat struggle
4.
A famous physicist discussed the possibility of time travel with Kohad
Physicist: In theory, no information can travel faster than the speed of light
Kohad laughed: Then you’ve clearly never met our datamining legends. Before our announcement goes out (t=0) they’ve already posted the data (t=-3days). This proves that in maimai, causality doesn’t exist. The effect always comes before the cause
Physicist: Then is there anything slower than the speed of light?
Kohad pointed at the server room next door: Yes. Our CN server update speed
5.
In a Party history class, the teacher asked the students: Can anyone explain what a SEGA preview livestream is
A student answered: It’s a collectivist ritual. In this ritual, the officials pretend they’re holding top-secret documents, and the audience pretends they haven’t already seen those images in a group file three days ago. Through this tacit hypocrisy, both sides jointly maintain the stability and harmony of the community
Teacher: Sit down. Full marks
6.
A JP server player asked: Are the maimai CN servers really that bad? I heard people get stuck at the penalty wait all the time
A CN server player answered: No, that’s not the server lagging. That’s the server thinking
JP server player: waht
CN server player: It’s thinking: since someone’s going to use scripts to edit the database directly anyway, what’s the point of it painstakingly processing your scores
7.
Inside SEGA: What exactly is the difference between a leak and official information?
Kohad answered solemnly: In principle they’re the same. The only difference is timing. A leak is a truth we haven’t had time to deny yet, and official information is a history we can no longer deny
8.
At the International Arcade Operators Conference, the Japanese representative bragged: Our servers have only 64ms of latency
The American representative said: Our servers never drop packets
The Wahlap representative stood up and said proudly: Yours are all trash. Our servers have free will, like artificial intelligence
Everyone: What do you mean
Wahlap representative: When a player pulls off a performance far above their usual level, our server decides on its own to disconnect, thereby preserving the purity of the database. Granted, it currently can’t tell a top player from a script, but this spirit of “better to kill a thousand by mistake than let one slip through” — doesn’t it deserve admiration?
9.
Kohad angrily called an emergency meeting: Can someone tell me why the new version’s PV isn’t even finished, yet there are already HD resources online? Who exactly leaked it?
Someone muttered: I don’t think it was a leak
Kohad: What do you mean
That person said: Because our outsourced artists found that instead of sending it to the review department for two weeks of layer-by-layer approval, it’s faster to just post it to TG for the small circle to see. Player feedback and revision suggestions come way faster than yours
10.
A veteran was teaching a newly hooked wmc: On the maimai CN server, there are three things you must never believe
Newbie: Which three?
Veteran: First, server maintenance complete
Second, zero tolerance for cheats
Third, Kohad saying this is a surprise
Newbie: Why can’t I believe the third one?
Veteran: Because by the time he says that in the livestream, your group friends have already datamined the surprise and sent it to you
11.
God asked Kohad: You are guilty. You made players suffer through disconnections and grow numb to spoilers. Do you have anything to say in your defense
Kohad pointed at the crowd below, still queueing to insert coins: Lord, please look. Even though the servers are like potatoes, even though scripts are everywhere, even though there are no secrets left at all, they’re still topping up, still queueing
God, puzzled: What does that prove?
Kohad smiled: It proves this isn’t called bad. It’s called a stress test of player loyalty to the absolute limit. And I passed the test
12.
The CIA captured a Sega staff member lurking in a maimai player group and tried to make him confess the servers’ real capacity
The agent subjected him to all kinds of torture, and he gritted his teeth and said nothing
In the end, out of options, the agent pushed a maimai cabinet in front of him and said: If you don’t talk, I’ll make you play ten rounds of White Pandora back to back. But I’ll reinstall it as the CN server, and you’ll have to log in with a WeChat QR code
The staff member instantly broke down crying: I’ll talk! I’ll tell you everything! Just don’t make me scan that QR code! Once your account gets scanned, you can never log in again!
13. The Hidetaka Miyazaki Version
Then one day, the servers miraculously ran smoothly for a whole day. No disconnections, no penalty waits, QR codes loading in an instant
Players were moved to tears and flooded the group chat with reaction images
Kohad stood up high watching the scene:
Look. This is my design intent
If it were smooth every day they’d take it for granted
But after 364 days of gloom, damp and despair, this single smooth day will make them praise the sun from the bottom of their hearts, like Solaire
Only immense pain can set off how dazzling that insignificant bit of happiness is
14.
If you have better material, feel free to contact [email protected] to submit it. Once approved, it will be included in the second collection. Thanks for the support
